This is my truth

Dear Mom and Dad,

It is probably 2016 now and I'm getting ready to graduate with my bachelors degree.  Do you remember, 4 years ago when we spoke on the phone and I told you that graduating was one of several goals that I had set for myself?  Well this is one of those goals.

Presuming that you don't already know by someone else in the family telling you, I am transgendered.  Specifically I identify as a transsexual woman.  I'm sure you've noticed the changes over the last four years, the effects of being on estrogen are really hard (and painful) to hide.  This is not something that I came to understand about myself easily.  I've been struggling with this feeling of wrongness with the way my body has been developing and the way it forces me into a male role.

I feel that this may be impossible for you guys to understand.  After all, how can a cat understand what it is like to be a dog?  We ultimately can only trust the experiences that are our own, and the experiences of those we trust.

There's something.  Honesty.  Growing up it was always hard for me to be honest.  When you tell one lie, it becomes easier to tell other lies just out of habit.  I've been trying hard to purge all the lies from my life.  IT hasn't been easy at all.  The important truths are never easy to accept.  I've been struggling with my sex and gender for a long time.  Even begging God to take this pain from me.  He didn't, and I still fought my feelings, and I spiraled deeper and deeper into depression.

Things didn't start getting better until I came to accept myself and stopped fighting.  The last 8 years have been an up hill battle, but it's always up hill when you're climbing out of a hole.  Some days are bad, and some days are good.  As I go on I have more and more good days and fewer bad days.  This is even true as I write this.



To be continued...

Some bullshit about trans erasure and shit

I've beeeeen drinking tonight, so this post will ber pretty fucked up, but i went to an LGBT bookstore today in atalanta called BRushstroeks or something.  Goddamn, I have never quite felt so fucking invisible as a atransperson and a bisexual person as I did while checking that fucking place out.  Abso-fucking-luteley no bi or trans stuff *at all*.  Such goddamned bullshit.

The rest o the LG community pretty much just seems to erase the other half of the community from existence, treating us like dirt or worse because we aren't like them or some shit, I guess.

People don't know what it eels like to have the rest off the community basically tell you that you are complete shit and undeserving of help through their own inactions.

So fuck those faggots and fuck those dykes.  Goddamn I''m fucking angry.  Am I not a goddamn person too?  Aren't I deserving of the same rights and proveleges as everyone else.

Man, fuck this country.  Fuck everything, ever.

The pursuit of normal

Hey blog that I've ignored because fuck you, that's why.  I'm in a writing mood again.  It's thundering and windy and a little rainy out tonight.  I'm listening to the soundtrack to the incredible Indie Adventure game "Superbrothers presents: Sword and Sworcery EP".  It's very pixel-y and stuff, pretty fun, and on Steam for, like, $7.50 if you want to check it out.  I've also been replaying the GTAIII Trilogy.  So many memories.

So anyway, I've been in school for the last month.  I was pretty stoked about it at first.  Finally getting to go to a big kid school and get a big kid degree.  But I've felt my old mess of feelings creeping up again.  Loneliness, distraction, those kinds of things.  On top of those issues I'm still trying to work on opening myself up and letting me be me.  It's really fucking hard, ya know?

I can feel how much of myself I've pushed back.  Like it's all there on the edge of me.  I don't know why I'm trying to hold onto it.  It's like these mannerisms that I've picked up purely through imitation.  I don't know, I still think I'm likely nuts.  Really need a drink but *really* don't feel like going out tonight.

I feel like the ADD I was diagnosed with when I was little is still a problem.  A major problem.  I've gotten my info about my diagnosis and tests and I'm taking it to the school, probably tomorrow.  I have to talk to the registrar about getting registered for Fall.

I really need more friends, too.

Oh hey, this blog post really doesn't match up with the title, does it?  Gotta fix that.

So I've been seeing a therapist through the school.  He's pretty damn awesome, is actually helping me get through some of my continuing gender issues.  It's like, I know the direction I need to go, but I don't know how to start.  My goal is to have "boy-mode fail" by the time I graduate, and also work up the guts to come out to my family, for better or worse.  But right now I'm trying to figure out a decent gender neutral wardrobe that still fits with my personal sense of bad style.  It's hard, probably because of all those learned behaviors I mentioned above.

Anyway, that's all.  San Andreas is calling me.

Meet the New Blog Title, Same as the old blog title (not really)

Well hey new blog title and shit, how are you doing?  So this blog has gone on unused for so long.  I figured at 4 am that I should revamp it and take it in a different direction.  So instead of being just about my boring uneventful life, I'll make it about video games and stuff, and also my boring uneventful life.  It will likely contain spelling errors and grammatical defects.  Especially if I post drunk or late at night.

Also while I will be *trying* to keep this blog up to date. (I will probably fail at it again) I will be starting school this month, so I have no idea what that has to do with the blog.  I'll be posting screens of whatever game I'm playing, maybe I'll put a little bit of :words: into it.  Whatever.

Right now I've been playing EVE Online.  A soul sucking, time sink.  It's fun, and the guys I play with are baller.  But with school coming up I've been taking a break and playing some more laid back games, like OpenTTD and Supreme Commander.  It's kind of fun, but whatever.

I've been rambling these last few paragraphs, cause it's really late, and I can't sleep despite my efforts.  I'll blame Skerbert, he's being a huge spazz and flipping out everywhere.  He was laying next to my leg earlier while I was trying to go to sleep and he just flipped his shit and tried to maul my leg through the blanket.  It didn't work, but what a freakin douchecat.

I'll take pics of him later.  Now to figure out a good layout for this silly thing, and/or go back to bed.  Whichever I feel like doing first.