The pursuit of normal

Hey blog that I've ignored because fuck you, that's why.  I'm in a writing mood again.  It's thundering and windy and a little rainy out tonight.  I'm listening to the soundtrack to the incredible Indie Adventure game "Superbrothers presents: Sword and Sworcery EP".  It's very pixel-y and stuff, pretty fun, and on Steam for, like, $7.50 if you want to check it out.  I've also been replaying the GTAIII Trilogy.  So many memories.

So anyway, I've been in school for the last month.  I was pretty stoked about it at first.  Finally getting to go to a big kid school and get a big kid degree.  But I've felt my old mess of feelings creeping up again.  Loneliness, distraction, those kinds of things.  On top of those issues I'm still trying to work on opening myself up and letting me be me.  It's really fucking hard, ya know?

I can feel how much of myself I've pushed back.  Like it's all there on the edge of me.  I don't know why I'm trying to hold onto it.  It's like these mannerisms that I've picked up purely through imitation.  I don't know, I still think I'm likely nuts.  Really need a drink but *really* don't feel like going out tonight.

I feel like the ADD I was diagnosed with when I was little is still a problem.  A major problem.  I've gotten my info about my diagnosis and tests and I'm taking it to the school, probably tomorrow.  I have to talk to the registrar about getting registered for Fall.

I really need more friends, too.

Oh hey, this blog post really doesn't match up with the title, does it?  Gotta fix that.

So I've been seeing a therapist through the school.  He's pretty damn awesome, is actually helping me get through some of my continuing gender issues.  It's like, I know the direction I need to go, but I don't know how to start.  My goal is to have "boy-mode fail" by the time I graduate, and also work up the guts to come out to my family, for better or worse.  But right now I'm trying to figure out a decent gender neutral wardrobe that still fits with my personal sense of bad style.  It's hard, probably because of all those learned behaviors I mentioned above.

Anyway, that's all.  San Andreas is calling me.